Agreements I Made With Doubt

How God is Sweetly Dismantling Lies I Didn’t Even Know I Was Living By

For the last several weeks, I have been asking God to do something for me. It’s a scary ask, but I’m drawn to the vulnerable necessity of it. My request is borrowed from Psalm 139:23-24 and reads, Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! I also added an extra plea for the Lord to please do it gently. And He has been faithful in all of the above.

Those who know me personally (or have been following this publication) are aware that friendship is...touchy. I question its design, challenge its said and unsaid expectations, and wrestle with whether I want to participate in it and to what extent. In this time of processing and angst, the Lord has been reassuring me of His friendship and, at my request, calling me out on my destructive habits with his other kids.

REVELATION 1

I developed several unhealthy habits to survive my friendship wounds.

Habit: I have grown apathetic.

When people get the wrong impression about me, I let them be wrong. And this tendency is unbiased. With some people, the inaccurate conclusions make me look amazing, and with others, they make me look awful. In both cases, I lack the energy and interest in convincing people of who I know I am.

Habit: I make private vows about what I will never do again.

I don’t like making mistakes. I don’t like inconveniencing or hurting people. So when I cause a rupture in a relationship, especially one I don’t fully understand or agree with, I go overboard to avoid duplicating that set of circumstances. It’s fine on the surface, as I am trying to honor the experience of another person. But deep down, it builds walls that hinder intimacy. And, insult to injury, I don’t share these vows with anyone. I navigate this prison, full of land mines and accusations against myself, alone.

And these vows are not premeditated. I used to sit and thoughtfully consider them, but now they take hold in my mind so quickly that I miss when it’s happening. And I know this lifestyle is not sustainable. There is no way to hold or remember them all. But the tension in my body stands guard, warning me of dangerous territory I can no longer identify. It tightens my chest to say be quiet and be still, before you regret it. It’s difficult to be present and open when you’re avoiding landmines. And perhaps this practice is doing more damage than the blast would. I just need to be brave enough to find out.

INTENTION

Before we move to next-steps, I’m gonna get on my soapbox.

When I labor to unpack and share these lovely gems about myself, oftentimes the immediate response is “So what are you going to do about it?” That makes sense, of course, but I find it a bit irritating.

Imagine meeting a triathlon participant at the finish line. They are winded, their muscles are cramping, and they have pushed so hard that they could vomit any second. And someone asks, “When is your next workout?” I’m sorry, what?! Could you give me a minute and several yards of space...RIGHT NOW!?

Anyway, my intention at this juncture is to privately confess the ways apathy and vows are present in existing relationships. And give specific, unbiased people the authority to call me out on both habits and perform heart check-ins as they feel led.

REVELATION 2

I live in my head SO much more than I realized.

I don’t dial out on my phone. I don’t ask for personal advice. I don’t open up about the stresses or joys of my life unless prompted. I just have experiences that I try to be present in (instead of harping on the past or worrying about what I need to do next). Then I talk to God in my journal, and maybe my husband as well, before moving on to the next thing on one of my top 5 task lists as a wife, mother, author-entrepreneur, homeschool teacher, homemaker…and also attend to myself somewhere in there. In the rooms I physically occupy, I am a negligent, boring, disinterested friend. (Others’ words, not mine.) I don’t agree with these judgments, but I DO understand that I make people around me feel lonely. It’s not on purpose.

The world inside me is loud, chaotic, weighty, adventurous, colorful, deeply painful, crazy enjoyable, and alive!! If one were to read my journals, they would find a woman made up of several goals, small wins, great regrets, and a heart of prayer. A woman rich in love and insecurities, perhaps in equal measure! One who is trying to become a version of herself that God put in her imagination, but she has NO clue how to close that gap. Because her reflection in the mirror compared to that person seems like two different species entirely! A woman who is doing her best to show up for friends in ways that exhaust her without getting tired enough to have ANOTHER nervous breakdown. Who desires to be seen, understood, and loved AS IS, but has learned to rest in God’s understanding alone. A woman who loves her community, but will give her first fruits to God, her husband, and her kids always. Who loves harder than most people think and is wounded more frequently than she feels safe and clear enough to explain.

REVELATION 3

I have been living by the terms of an agreement I made with doubt...and I did not realize I made it.

Two weeks ago, I visited a friend’s church with her. I went in with no expectations, and the Lord met me with yet another gem. (It’s like I’m Sonic, collecting my own Chaos Emeralds at this point.) I listened to songs about God’s ability to do anything. Then I heard a man speak about faith, trust, and hope. About knowing the source of my hope and trusting the keeper of it.

In that service, on the first night of Advent, while the Hope candle was being lit, God showed me the depth of my hopelessness in friendship. How I believed Him for grand things in my future, but had accepted that I would never have girlfriends who fully know and/or love me. He showed me how wounds and mistakes in friendship left me in a pit that has been echoing lies over me for months. How I had been trying to convince myself that I was optimistic, when I really believed:

• If people are interested in being my friend, it’s because they have not known me long enough.

• The people currently in my life stick around for an a la carte Ebony. Wanting the spontaneous, loud, contagious, goofy girl I have always been, and opting out of the moody, withdrawn, and depressed version born from overwhelm.

• The more I do what I am called to, the lonelier I will become because my margin will decrease, and people are already dissatisfied.

• People who knew me before I had kids will never be happy with me again because I will never be as present or carefree as I was then.

• And the fact that I need reminders to speak, aloud, to people wrapped in flesh, will continue to be my bitter end over and over until I die.

INTENTION

As I cried about my hopelessness- revealed, I started getting a mental download of questions. I blearily tried to capture them underneath the notes in my phone.

1. What needs can you make known today?

2. What vows have you made lately? Are they God honoring?

3. What thoughts/emotions/offenses/questions are you holding in your body? What person do you need to share them with?

4. Who have you been avoiding? Why? How can you reconcile?

5. What is something you need to confess?

6. How can you celebrate a friend today?

7. Who can you affirm/encourage today?

8. How can you go above and beyond for a friend today?

9. Who is one person you’ve been meaning to reach out to? Do it.

10. Who can you pray with? *Use your voice.

My intention is to use these questions to help build intimacy and repair ruptures in my relationships. I do not have a solid plan to support that. This was the final event in my race. I’m aching, I’m weak, and I’m still catching my breath.